Thought Catalog

Today, I’m going to beeline past all of you without saying hello, without removing my sunglasses, yes I’m aware it’s raining outside, ask me if it makes a difference. I won’t be slamming my office door. I want to, but the last thing I need is all of you gossiping about me in the company kitchen, like I don’t know what’s up. I’m more than aware of what we collectively think about door slammers. I don’t need that strike against me, not today. Fair warning: I may slam the phone down into the receiver after every phone call, if I manage to answer those. I’m only human. You understand.

You should probably avoid asking me any long-winded questions; anything that requires more than a one-word answer is probably too ambitious. Don’t ask me to paraphrase yesterday’s meeting, for example. Don’t ask me for my favorite lamb recipe. Don’t ask me who I’m rooting for on American Idol. It’s way too early in the season for that, idiot. What is wrong with you? Don’t ask me what is wrong with me. Don’t ask me why I’m sad. Those two are important; write those down.

You look like you still have questions. Let me help you out: I’m broke. I didn’t sleep last night. Everyone forgot my birthday. My best friend isn’t speaking to me. I’m not wearing any makeup. I just broke up with someone. The weather is bumming me out. I’m PMSing. I was out drinking until three hours ago. Someone died. I hate this job. I hate you. Pick three of those and abstain from asking me why I look like this.